I Am Going To Be OK

This thought hit me out of nowhere today:

I don’t need a partner anymore.

Not in a bitter way. Not because I’ve given up on relationships.
I simply realised I’m actually and genuinely okay. Life isn’t perfect, yet I am going to be okay.

A year ago, I wasn’t sure I’d ever say that. After my marriage ended, I spent a lot of time wondering what the future would look like. I worried about growing old alone. I wondered if I’d ever meet someone else. I overthought almost everything, and if I’m honest, there were both days and nights when I felt pretty low.

But along the way, particularly recently as the sun finally reached through the clouds here on Kangaroo Island, something quietly changed within my head, heart, spirit and attitude. I stopped waiting for my happiness to be assisted by someone else being in my life. I started enjoying my own company.

These days I wake up in my own home, make my own plans, go to work, come home, spend time writing, having an evening walk to both take long breaths and take photographs, present on community radio, or simply enjoy the quiet time around me.

It’s my life now.

I’ve actually realised that I don’t need someone beside me to make life worthwhile.

Being single doesn’t feel like waiting anymore. It feels like arriving. I’m surprised by how much I like it.

There’s something satisfying about knowing that my life depends on me. If I want enough money for rent, food and bills, I have to earn it. If I want to stay healthy, I have to look after myself. If I don’t get enough sleep, nobody else is going to fix that for me. Every decision, good or bad, is mine.

Oddly enough, I find that comforting, extremely liberating, and weirdly cathartic to say out loud.

Being in this mind-set and space for the first time in almost thirty years has taught me to become responsible for my own happiness, and not relying on another person to provide it nor be a part of it.

For years I thought independence meant having to do everything alone. Now I think it means knowing you can. And that’s a very different thing. So yes, this thought caught me by surprise today.

I’m a single person.

I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m looking after myself. I’m paying my own way. I’m building a life that feels peaceful.

For the first time since my marriage ended, I can honestly say I’m no longer waiting for my next chapter of my new life to begin: I’m already living it.

ADDENDUM: If I meet someone wonderful one day, that’s fine. But I don’t feel like I’m searching anymore.