Comedy Routine #01

I get way too much time to think. And I listen to a lot of silly conversations. Subsequently the two mediums combine, and I write down what I my mind manages to let out through my fingers:

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Why is that women ask us men to test if milk or cheese is off?

“Here, smell this…”

“Please taste this…”

Turns out, according to some women I work with … WOMEN ALREADY KNOW what they smell and taste like, you’re just asking to confirm. WHAT? If you know it’s off, why ask a man?

I’ve worked this out: It’s a cost-saving exercise. Turns out that Government are not the only people who are pretending to save money. So are our wives, girlfriend’s, mothers, and AND the retail giants.

In an attempt to NOT spend a little more money on good healthy food for us men, they use the available milk and cheese to determine how much LONGER they can feed us on food that is WAAAY passed it’s expiry date.

Yes, that’s right, laugh if you may, but the truth is that they want to SAVE a few dollars on the next shopping spree … wait … no, that cannot be right : A woman SAVING money. But they are : They are saving money on FOOD … presumably so they can spend more on CLOTHES.

Now it all makes sense.

But let’s look at the flip side. Let’s repeat those two questions that really shouldn’t be answered nor responded with actions:

“Here, smell this, I’m not sure…”

“Please taste this, tell me if you think it’s safe…”

And he does. He sniffs that cheese and says: “Meh, it’s OK. Grate it for me, put it on my SpagBog. I’ll eat it.” Which she does and he does.

He chugs down half that carton of milk, wipes his face on his sleeve , and says, “Arrrgh, that was good. Got another one you need me to taste? BURRRP!!” When aren’t us men hungry? We’d eat a pizza-tie faster than the company shredder.

Ever asked the MAN of the house why he is willing to taste these food groups? Ever wondered what he REALLY gets out of the situation? It’s easy to understand once you think about it: If the food group really is OFF, expired, absolutely beyond it’s EAT-BY date, then he gets a sick day. A day off from the workplace he dreads going. At worst, a month away from that same location. At absolute worst, death. A married man will take that chance. RIGHT MEN?!

How do men counter this situation? The best way we know how … with humor, the type that no woman, wife, mother, girlfriend nor co-worker would want to respond to:

“Here, smell this finger…”

“I’ll eat that if you’ll eat a live fish…”

Thank you and goodnight.