I hate umbrellas. Yeah, it’s a weird thing to hate, yet it’s with good reason.
Umbrellas seem to be my one and only true enemy. My height off the ground invites the spine of each umbrella-wing straight into my eyes. It doesn’t matter how tall the holder is, they are always held at just height above their head that I am required to duck and weave in a crowd of rain-fearers.
Umbrellas are made of a material that never repels water. Actually, they are made of woven plastics, a fabric that invites the rain to form tiny beads of water down across its surface. Why is this so bad?
To explain that, let me explain the mindset of umbrella-holders through this supposed monologue that I fear goes through the mind of the holder:
“Oh my, It’s raining! It’s OK: I’ll stop here in the dry area, put my 4-foot lance into the crowd, push this lever and thrust it forward to open it up. What was that scream and why is that man leaning over clutching his groin? Silly man. Now I will raise it over my head whilst standing with the other humans huddling for dry-space. Why are those three people holding their chins, grimacing and mouthing obscenities at me?“
And that is just for starters. They haven’t left the curb yet.
“Oh, it’s raining harder now! I’ll hold the UFO closer to my head, down low. That’ll surely stop the water from disturbing my mascara nor upsetting my hair. Hey, tall people, don’t tip the sides! OMG, short people, who invited you under here! Arrgh, the rest of you can quit screaming – it’s only an umbrella, it won’t hurt you. And you have two eyes, use the other one. Neat idea, A patch over the damaged eye will keep the rain out!“
On such a great segway to the ‘point’ of this article, I should finish. Yet there is still one more haneous thing that attracts umbrellas to me.
Umbrellas never know whether they should be concave or convex. To be more exact, any gust of wind will turn them inside out! It is at this point that the holder let’s go, presumably letting the rabid animal escape into the wintery wild.
It is because of this reason that I have never had reason to entrap one. Keeping an umbrella aloft is a skill and an ability that should (as the examples above prove) require a license.
Anyone wanting to hold a licence should be required to pass a simple practical exam:
1. Opening an umbrella without lancing, maiming or killing a fellow human. A demerits system will allow users to GAIN points for unwittingly poking holes in politicians or lawyers.
2. Closing an umbrella without spraying fellow train commuters. This will require THREE successful attempts, with at least one held on a train of highs-chool commuters. This will quickly weed out successful applicants : Those that survive being mobbed by angry goth teenagers.
But what’s the alternative? Umbrellas are a necessary evil.
Fancy rain-coats that cover you from head to ankle. Trust me, if you are going to walk in the rain, you want PROTECTION ALL OVER. Well, I do.