My Life with XXY

Not Broken, Just Wired Different

I want to put this here, in my own words, for those who might need to hear it.

At age 44, I was diagnosed with Klinefelter syndrome (XXY).

It all started with one simple, honest question from my then-wife: “Why can’t we have kids?” That led to tests, those tests led to answers, and those answers uncovered a bigger truth — one I’d been living without even knowing.

But let me be clear from the outset: I’m as normal as the next fella. I still love deeply. I care, I protect, and I show up for the people who matter to me. What’s different is a bit harder to spot — but it’s real. I sometimes struggle with empathy. I miss emotional cues. I can find cohabiting, tuning in, and being present… draining. Not because I don’t care — but because my brain, truth be told, is often running its own race. That said, I’ve got help. I work with a specialist who put me on daily testosterone cream. And mate — it’s made all the difference. More energy, better focus, clearer mind. It’s like someone turned the lights back on. And yes, I still have a libido.
Anyway. Back to the story.

After learning and reading so much about XXY, so much of my life made sense.

This is a genetic condition where someone born male has an extra X chromosome. Klinefelter’s affects about 1 in 600 men, and many don’t discover it until adulthood. Often, it’s infertility that sets the wheels in motion. That was true for me — and yes, it rattled me. It shook the foundations of how I saw myself.

• The quiet distance I felt around “typical” blokes.
• The exhaustion I used to mistake for laziness.
• The emotional depth — a gift some days, a burden others.
• My creativity, sensitivity, and tendency to walk a slightly different path.
• The broken, sprained and sore bones — turns out XXY men often have lower bone density.

But here’s where things turned around.

Thanks to IVF and sheer persistence, Sarah and I had two amazing boys. Living proof that family doesn’t have to start the usual way — and that love, science, and grit can move mountains.

More than anything, this diagnosis didn’t break me. It explained me.

• Why I feel more deeply than most.
• Why I never quite fit the traditional mold of masculinity.
• Why I’ve had to build my identity slowly, patch by patch, in silence, over the last 56 years!

Some days are still hard. But most days? I carry this quietly.

That said, I can’t help but wonder how much of this XXY wiring impacted my marriage.

Sarah, bore the brunt of behaviours I didn’t fully understand at the time — emotional withdrawal, self-focus, difficulty with empathy. It’s only through a heap of reading, research, and reflection that I’ve come to see what was really going on under the surface.

I now try to show Sarah (even though we are separated), and especially my boys, that their dad can change. That I can soften. I can listen better, respond with care, and not just retreat into my own head.

Truthfully though, part of me fears it’s all too little, too late. That my efforts to demonstrate this new awareness may not reach them in time or in ways they need. Still — I can change for me. For my own growth. For the man I want to become.

And maybe, just maybe, for someone else in the future, though I’d be lying if I said I held much hope of that. Because even if nothing changes around me — even if I’m never seen the way I wish to be — I know this much: Change is still worth it. Becoming better, more present, more aware… it’s not just for the people we’ve hurt or lost.

• It’s for the man in the mirror. For the Dad I still get to be.
• For the kind of friend, co-worker, or stranger I might be to someone else who’s walking their own uneven road.
• And if nothing else, maybe my story helps someone feel a little less alone on theirs.

If this helped even one person feel seen, understood, or a little less alone — then it’s done what it needed to do. And if that person is you — you are welcome.
You’re not broken. You’re just wired different. And that matters.

Helpful links and support resources

• Australia-specific info: HealthDirect – Klinefelter syndrome
• Research & advocacy: The XXY Project
• Lived experience: Living with XXY
• Genetics overview: GARD – Rare Diseases Information Center
• Support guides: Unique – Chromosome condition guides
• Peer support: Facebook groups — search “Klinefelter Syndrome Support Australia” or “XXY Awareness”
• The Klinefelter Syndrome Clinic, St Thomas Hospital, London, UK