Rebirth of My Blog: How I Bounced Back from Deletion

Five nights ago, I took the drastic step of deleting this entire blog, hoping it would help me alleviate some pain in my life, embrace a more positive outlook, and move forward without the suffering I was experiencing. Plus I felt like an imposter.
Read on to understand…

PART ONE

5 days ago I deleted this blog after a long day of window-washing. I had felt depleted, exhausted, strained and completely empty. My mind was filled with everything that depressed me and nothing that interested me. I felt like my life was falling apart.

In early February 2022 when Putin decided to descend upon Ukraine, I began watching a lot of TV to see the progress. When I started seeing countless bodies of dead citizens, I admit to crying. It was devastating. I know this was the catalyst for my depression.

A few months that after I had to fire someone. I won’t say more on this. It definitely didn’t help my depression as I have never had to do that before, and it was someone whom I once revered and considered a friend. But that person now insults me behind my back (others have told me, so I have told them not to tell me), plus to my face in the street. Thankfully the gawd-awful text messages have stopped.

Another incident happened around mid June 2022. That’s private, very private, yet it’s the only one that I am focused on finding remedy. It’s also the one that had me thinking that deleting this blog would help find myself, to find my mind, to reconnect and to be a better family man.

Yet I was still slowly losing my mind. I was unable to control my emotions, my mind couldn’t find happiness, I was spiraling, and I felt alone.

Then some close friends started noticing, and they let out a hand to help me get out of the hole I was digging. With their support, plus a lot of good reading, I am now helping myself for my own sake and to improve my relationship with my family. I wholeheartedly want to become a better version of myself and give my life and commitment more appropriately.

PART TWO

Over the last few days I have realised I love writing, so this morning I began searching for anything in my archives I could use to start a new blog. Writing about my issues and related subjects has been helping.

So when I logged into WordPress to find my images, their chat-option appeared to discuss problems. I asked if they kept archives at all – it turns out they do! The good people at WordPress were able to reinstate all my domain articles, pages and images within a few minutes. The last 100 articles are sitting in my DRAFTS folder, so they will be republished over the next week or so.

I openly shared on Facebook (the day that I deleted my blog) that I’ve been using ChatGPT to research and enhance my ideas, refine my writing, and make information clearer. It’s not uncommon for me to revise my articles multiple times, and there are moments when I even start from scratch!

ChatGPT has actually helped me find my own voice again. I had hundreds of incomplete articles (written between 2004 and 2017) that the AI was helping me to complete. Whilst they are all irretrievable from my computer, I am able to write new and interesting articles!

Now that I have learned that old habits that are tough to break, instead of erasing the past, I’m gradually tackling the issues that trouble my mind, using the following methods.

Self-awareness

I’m starting by tuning in to my own emotional responses. When I feel strong emotions, I’ll take a moment to recognize and name them, like saying, “I’m feeling angry” or “I’m feeling sad.” This simple act of acknowledgment helps me step back from my emotions and understand them better.

UPDATE: I now use this method daily. Because, yes, I get angry about stuff I cannot control, and I feel sad when things aren’t as perfect as I would like them to be. Wow, I wrote that – yet it’s true. So now I use push myself to say “I felt angry, but I refuse to be angry.” and “I felt sad, but I refuse to let that feeling take over me”.
Some of my closer friends will know that I am still a teary mess, but life is on the improve!!

Acceptance

I’m reminding myself that emotional addiction is something many people experience, not a personal failure. I’m recognizing that emotional challenges are just part of being human.

UPDATE: Oh my gosh, the amount of good friends who know about this who admit their own sadness has helped immensely. Not that I want anyone to be sad, yet it’s good to know that I can speak to people dealing with the same issues.

Mindfulness

I’m practicing mindfulness meditation regularly. I’ll set aside a few minutes each day to focus on my breath and the sensations of the present moment. When my thoughts wander to the past, I’ll gently guide them back to the here and now.

UPDATE: Changing my sleeping patterns and habits – 8.30pm (instead of midnight or more!) til 6.00am on weeknights – is already helping my brain. Over the last three nights I have actually had 4 nights sleep with the extra hours, so I feel so much better. This means my wife and my children are seeing a new person already. Additionally, I am about to breathe more fully, be present in the moment, and able to find clarity and assurance within my own mind that it’s all OK – which in turn reduces my anxiety, stress and depression.

I have actively found and pinpointed all the negative habits and thoughts I want and need to change. Plus I’m working on my emotional addiction to pave the way for a more positive and happier life. When my mind tries to pull me back into the past, I’ll acknowledge the emotional addiction, yet keep moving forward.

I am NOT deleting this blog.

It now represents my transformation from an insecure and emotionally unbalanced me to a more confident, self-aware, and mindful self. I’m not denying my past; I’m embracing it as part of my journey.