Cleaning my 2004 Xmas Gift

In the last week of 2007 my dutiful wife handed me a short, straightforward to-do list prior to Christmas day.

Of the multitude of things, she had highlighted the one thing I hesitate to go near → my BBQ! The neglected grill hadn’t seen the light of day or had a proper cleaning since Sarah gave it to me as a Christmas gift in 2004. I tried recalling the last time it had been used – maybe Christmas 2006?!

It wasn’t the worst I’d seen, though. I’d encountered coffee cups with green fur and iron plates with strange cultures growing on them. Cleaning it was a struggle; despite my best efforts with flame, hot water, lemon juice, and various cleaning products, the stubborn toffee-like residue clung on.

Thankfully and amusingly, I was suggested an unconventional solution – cover it with salt and heat it up. I was hesitant to light a fire without backup for a Funniest Home Videos moment, but I refrained, not being much of a handyman.

For those with more interesting tales, here’s the state of my BBQ back in 2007:

THE BURNERS

→ They should be called cookers – Even if they do burn, why give a man nothing to look forward to?. They were removed, then washed and scrubbed of black onion bits. The only smell I could possibly find similar would be the inside back leg of a camel after trekking across the Sahara Dessert for three months. Not that I know this, only that I imagine it to be so.

THE BASE PLATE

→ Upon which the absorbent gravel lies has been scraped of what could only be known as Gravel Toffee. The oil had congealed to a consistency not far different from thick caramel toffee. You know the sweet stuff that stick to the top of your jaw and it takes a month of Sunday’s to remove it with your fingers, but not before three teeth have rotted away from the incredible sugar content.

THE IRON PAN

→ Was hung from a hook in the pergola. This has a thin lining of what could only be black axle grease. Maybe we cooked onions but failed to remove the remaining juices. Sigh. This is where Sarah suggested putting salt all over the iron plates, lighting the gas, and burning it off. Hmmm. Maybe tomorrow when my Mother is here to laugh at me watch me while I try not to burn down the house.

IRON GRATE PLATES.

→ They too have the residue of whatever we cooked on them last. I cannot fathom what it was, other than it was a meat product of some sort. When I first opened the lid of the BBQ, I thought I had stumbled upon a horrendous Miami CSI crime scene, or maybe a pagen burning ritual of live goats. The black bits of meat that hung through the grates had no form, nor any resemblance to anything living, dead, or zombiefied, i.e. zombiefied cuisine.

BBQ EXTERIOR

→ As the famous cleaning lady in the Pro Hart commercials would say, “What a mess!” With orange and white gunk all over, even inside the heat dials, and leftover spider egg sacs hanging inside the lid, it was clear that tackling this would need some extra thought.

Fast forward to 2023…

My BBQ is now parked in the backyard of our Kangaroo Island home, safe from the weather. It hasn’t seen action since our move here in 2017. However, I’ve got a plan to spruce it up and make it ready for this year’s Christmas cookout. Fingers crossed!